Orange Haze

Melancholy settled down in a sickly orange haze last night as our team got knocked out of the Final Four. Instead of the usual joyous call and response of, "Tar! Heels!", we stood on the balconies in silence. Everyone was busy cursing the Jayhawks and wondering what happened to Tyler, but I was upset for a different reason.

The same things I'd been turning over in my mind for days had risen to the top, and it was time to talk. I tried to collect myself and walked out onto the balcony. My semi-drunk friend passed me, and noticing my direction, grinned and said, "Make it work."

He meant make it work with the boy next door, the one who turned me into a crazy, mumbling pile of nerves. The one who likes me, but says he can't date me, at least not for now. The one I can't stop caring about, no matter how crazy it drives me.

I opened his door without knocking, as usual, and sat in his roommate's always-empty desk chair. I chattered nervously about normal business for a while, per the mutual agreement that I need to warm up before the big show.

I took a deep breath and started. And I told him that I'm sorry for the way I've acted about my feelings for the past few weeks, and that I'm sorry for trying to force him into a relationship that he doesn't think he can handle. I told him I'm sorry for expecting immediate, equal reciprocation.

"And after all, maybe it's better that we're just friends," I said with a shrug. I tugged at the sleeve of my sweater, and choked back tears, "I mean, it does seem a lot easier."

"It is a whole lot easier," he agreed. His face took on a pained look as he stared at his computer screen. "I mean, man. This sucks."

We sat in silence for a moment, neither looking at the other. I was desperately trying not to break down in front of him. Again.

I started to talk again, "I'm just sorry for all the times I've acted like a jerk--"

He cut me off, "Well worth it. I don't think I could have made it through this year without you."

As he kept talking, I felt myself soften. To hear things like that from him means more than I can say. I mean, he is a man of few words. I can hold a whole conversation with him to which he contributes around 15 of 500 words.

"And anyway," he continued, "I don't see this as the end. We're still going to be in contact. Summer doesn't have to be a deadline."

Sometimes I wish he would give me a reason to stop hanging on.

Even though he doesn't see this as the end, I am trying to get used to the idea that we may never be more than friends. "Just friends" doesn't really do it justice. Good friends we are. We go in and out of each other's minds so easily. I've often said that it feels like we're on the same frequency, as we easily detect small changes in the other's mood. It's something that adds dimension to my life and I don't want to lose it.

The conversation came to a conclusion and I was satisfied. I think I had started to doubt that I meant anything to him and this assuaged those fears. We usually AIM each other as a coda to in-person conversations:

Me (1:16:13 AM): ok, well i'm going to sleep now. and i actually am feeling better. and no matter what happens, i'm glad to have you in my life. so, goodnight.

Him (1:16:39 AM): same here, i really do appreciate you more than i ever say or probably let on, thanks a lot

Not to sound like I'm drowning in self-pity here, but I hope that someday I'll feel like this with someone who wants to be with me. Too much to ask?

I went to sleep crying and woke up with tears on my face. I told my roommate my allergies were acting up. I think she knew I was lying, but she bought me Claritin anyway.