Storms and Saturday

My weekends at Chapel Hill are usually filled by sleeping late, eating a huge brunch at Ram's, pledging to do work and failing, topped off by going to a performance, concert, movie or some such at night.
Friday, my friends K, A, and I went to Jack Sprat's to listen to a local band, The Nothing Noise. They're in the vein of The Arcade Fire, all diverse and whatnot, a seemingly loose collective. They've got a regular-looking guitarist/vocalist with a sort of scar on his lip, a female vocalist/violinist, a black guy on bass, an Andy Warhol look-a-like on trumpet, a fratish guy on glockenspiel (seriously), and a wiry, childish drummer. In short, they're kind of awesome to the college scene. So we stood and listened, amidst the sullen indie kids and the drunk Frat Pack. The door was open, blowing in cool spring night air and cigarette smoke. The music was pretty enough to make me appreciate life a little more. Someone spilled beer on my foot. It was fun.
Tonight K, C, the Boy Next Door (BND from here on out), and I went to our oldest a Capella group's spring concert. The Clef Hangers, as they are called, are an all-male group and somewhat of a sensation on campus. I think this is due in large part to the fact that Chapel Hill girls are often deprived of seeing so many males in one place. Anyway, the concert was unanimously declared awesome by our group. And really, I can't disagree. I mean... sixteen talented guys in tuxedos. Sigh.
I felt all pretty tonight, though I was showing what was probably way too much cleavage. The BND was looking pretty nice as well, in a polo as opposed to a ratty t shirt. I was feeling all chatty and lively, chriping on about the beautiful full moon and lightning. But alas, he has been very stoic and distant as of late. He is the type of person who needs to be quiet and alone to recharge. I know this about him, but sometimes I mistake this for Something Is Wrong. He subsequently gets irritated at me for thinking Something Is Wrong, and I feel bad for pestering him. By now I should know better and just leave him alone, it's just that he's been really stressed lately and I thought I'd give him the opportunity to talk about it if he needed to.
He's been quite difficult lately. He has a very sarcastic nature, which I like most of the time. But the past few days, it's been a constant barrage of cut-downs. The thing that bothers me most is when he'll say things jokingly that have a distinct note of truth to them. These things shake my confidence and since I'm already in the position of never knowing where I stand with him, it just makes me oversensitive and angsty.
We talked earlier this week about relationship things. So many long and circuitous talks. He told me that he thought the pressures of dating me would send him into a mental collapse. I thought this seemed a tad melodramatic. I mean... I'm probably not classified as "low maintenance", but I'm no Sybil. I sent him a super-long email along the lines of, "I'm awesome, you're awesome. What're we waiting for chief?"
Here's an excerpt of his response:
"I am so sorry, I really am that I cannot step up and be the person that you both think I am and want me to be. You are probably right that the pressure isn't that much and the changes wouldn't be all that earth-shattering, but I'm sorry."
That is a kind of heartbreaking thing to hear.
And since then he's been all moody and mean, with the insults and so forth. But, rest assured. The way he's feeling now has nothing to do with me. He made that very clear. Don't take it personally, he says. It's not just Laurel that he can't devote himself to now. It's also things like frisbee practice and robotics club meetings. Boy has so many issues, from self-esteem, to mom and dad, to majoring in math. My heart certainly picked a difficult one. So take comfort in the fact that at least I still take precedence over ultimate frisbee. I scoffed at that at the time, but actually, knowing how much the BND loves ultimate, it's kind of a compliment. Is it time to call this settling?
I can't quit caring about him, at least not for now. Really, I'd love it if I never had to stop caring about him. But he is making it hard on me, I'm making it hard on myself.
Monday, I told him that I feel like I've done all I can as far as this relationship goes.
"I have done all I can do, too," he said, "It's just that your 'all' is more."

It doesn't bother me that it's more, I just want it to be enough.